the YONI-VERSE

"Incredible Tumblr"
- Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

"I love my sites, But "Yoni-Verse" is my fave!"
- Joel Seigal, Good Morning America

"When I read his site, I start to orgasm. hotatatat!"
- Maya Angelou, Poet
Sat Mar 29
This picture is a Tom Waits song

This picture is a Tom Waits song

Thu Mar 27
There’s an app called “How to French kiss your boyfriend” and it costs $1.99. I’d write a joke caption but that basic information will suffice.

There’s an app called “How to French kiss your boyfriend” and it costs $1.99. I’d write a joke caption but that basic information will suffice.

Wed Mar 26
I should of done a background check before hiring this carpenter on Craigslist.

I should of done a background check before hiring this carpenter on Craigslist.

Mon Mar 24
COMING APRIL 9th and APRIL 23rd
8:00 PM
ONLY….at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre.
Make Your Reservation Here: http://newyork.ucbtheatre.com/performances/view/31669

COMING APRIL 9th and APRIL 23rd

8:00 PM

ONLY….at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre.

Make Your Reservation Here: http://newyork.ucbtheatre.com/performances/view/31669

Sat Mar 15
"Seriously…do you smell that? It smells like all my skin was ripped off and my insides are rotting" "Funny, look Gary, you’re not supposed to enjoy Hell."

"Seriously…do you smell that? It smells like all my skin was ripped off and my insides are rotting" "Funny, look Gary, you’re not supposed to enjoy Hell."

Fri Mar 14

enochliew:

Photographs by Thom Sheridan

In 1986, the United Way attempted to break the world record for balloon launches, by releasing 1.5 million balloons, which resulted in two deaths, millions in lawsuits, and a devastating environmental impact.

what a funny joke!

(Source: viralforest.com, via omoyoruba)

Tue Mar 11

"A BAD DAY" By: Yoni Lotan

THIS IS AN ACTUAL, TRUE STORY. 

So I just stepped into “Bergen Bagels” for lunch. I’ve been craving a white fish salad sandwich all morning and they have a pretty good batch. Anyways, I walk into the store and also what appears to be the middle of an intense argument between a customer and a clerk.

The customer was a nicely dressed white woman in a purple coat with fancy pins. Her face was bright RED from all the yelling. The clerk was a young latino man with tattoos all over his arms and neck. On paper, they seemed like complete opposites.

I ordered my white fish and watched the argument play out. This is what was said (to an extent):

Woman: OH, SO YOURE GONNA CHARGE ME AN EXTRA $2 FOR ASKING TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER!

Man: Ma’am, calm down!

Woman: I AM CALM! I just wanted to know how much a pound would cost me! I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU ARE CHARGING ME AN EXTRA $2!

Man: IT IS WHAT IT IS LADY!

He rolls his eyes and bats his hand as if he were to say “Get out of here”. She scoffs loudly, grabs her potato salad, and walks over to the table in the corner. I, scoot next in line and awkwardly pay for my white fish. Then sit down and started my lunch.

Just then, the woman starts to HYSTERICALLY CRY. Balling. She cries and cries and no one is there but me and the man who apparantly made her cry.

We sit in an uncomfortable, loud silence.

It’s at this VERY moment the song “Cause You Had A Bad Day” comes on the radio. I shit you not. THE QUINTESSENTIAL tune for moments like these blasts over the womans cries. I sit there, in complete shock and watch the store clerk who is awkwardly standing there. I look at the woman to see if the irony is affecting her at all. It is not. She seems to be having quite the bad day.

The store clerk comes around the counter and walks over to the woman. He pulls up a stool and sits next to her. They then have the following conversation. (all still while “Bad Day” is playing)

Man: I’m sorry I yelled at you, Ma’am.

Woman: It’s all right, I’m sorry too. I just came back from a friends funeral, so I’m alittle emotional.

A FRIENDS FUNERAL! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! This song is playing over THIS CONVERSATION! ITS THE MOST “REAL LIFE” MOMENT IVE EVER SEEN. It’s then when the manager comes out and asks if everythings allright. The woman says that everything IS in fact fine. They continue to talk and I finish my sandwich and drink my schweppes.

Is there a moral to this story? I dont know. Did Music bring people together? Maybe. But I’ll tell you this, life is NOT boring. And I hope we all appreciate it.

Also, I hope that lady has a better day tomorrow.

Mon Mar 3
LOL, was I in the #oscarselfie? Whut?

LOL, was I in the #oscarselfie? Whut?

Thu Feb 27
Show your true colors by drawing on this $25 gift card to Chili’s, also you only have 3 colors to choose from.

Show your true colors by drawing on this $25 gift card to Chili’s, also you only have 3 colors to choose from.

Thu Feb 20
Good question, tagline for a TV show. 
Well, it depends on what you mean by the concept of “far”. If you mean “physically far”, then I would have to asses the situation. Like if I was in NY and my loved one was in, say New Zealand, it would be pretty hard to protect them considered the flight would be more than 24 hours. So by the time I get there it would most likely be too late. Is it worth it? I don’t know? Who exactly is this “loved one”. If it’s like a girl I just started dating, it would put me in a weird position. You know, because I wouldn’t want to come on too strong. I’ve learned from past experiences, that that usually freaks girls out. But if it were my family I’d probably go “all out”. Thanks for the question.

Good question, tagline for a TV show.
Well, it depends on what you mean by the concept of “far”. If you mean “physically far”, then I would have to asses the situation. Like if I was in NY and my loved one was in, say New Zealand, it would be pretty hard to protect them considered the flight would be more than 24 hours. So by the time I get there it would most likely be too late. Is it worth it? I don’t know? Who exactly is this “loved one”. If it’s like a girl I just started dating, it would put me in a weird position. You know, because I wouldn’t want to come on too strong. I’ve learned from past experiences, that that usually freaks girls out. But if it were my family I’d probably go “all out”. Thanks for the question.